When I was in high school I started hanging out with a guy who had already graduated. It started out casually enough–we’d watch movies and make out but I was seeing other people too. One afternoon we were watching The Butterfly Effect (not exactly a sexy movie) and started making out. He was dry humping me for about 5 minutes…and ended up jizzing in his pants. The best part? I wouldn’t have even noticed (it was dark) except he pointed it out to me like he was proud of it. Dealbreaker.
The Butterfly Effect
May 28
The Horny Liar
May 4
So this woman named Monica sends me a message on Facebook saying that I’m cute and wants to be friends with me. I accept her friend request and she looked decent in her pictures. After talking and getting to know each other, we decide to meet up in person. Turns out when I meet her, she definitely was not as attractive as she looked in her pictures. It also turns out that, to put this in the nicest way possible, horny. All she want to do with me was makeout, even in front of little kids, she didn’t care. I like showing affection and I’m a cuddlebug, but there’s no way I’m giving her the PDA that she wanted, especially when not only is she disrespecting me and forcing herself on me, but I’m not physically attracted to her.
Also, she said she quit smoking but I can clearly taste the traces of cigarettes when she made out with me, gross. She was also extremely hyper to the point where I was embarrassed and she was very immature (I was only 22 at the time and she was 29, I thought women were supposed to be more mature than men?). Furthermore, she starts scaring me by saying that we should go away somewhere together where no one can reach us. To top it off, she makes rumors about people, including myself, telling people I know that she broke up with me when in fact we were never in a relationship and I was the one who stopped talking to her. Too many dealbreakers here. That was my worst dating experience ever and I definitely learned my lesson. Dealbreakers.
The Bad MySpace Blind Date
Apr 15
Back in the day when MySpace first started, I thought it was a cool way to meet new people. One guy messaged me a lot and then we started talking on the phone. After a few calls we agreed to meet up for drinks. I picked a place where I knew the bartender to be safe. He showed up late and apologized, saying that his stomach had been bothering him all day long. TMI. When I asked him what he liked to watch on TV he gave me a summary of his favorite show of all time, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. These paired with the fact that he lived with his parents because he had a massive amount of credit card debt, didn’t have a car, and didn’t offer to buy me a drink were all dealbreakers.
The Slippery Suitor
Apr 11
I went on a first date with this kid I knew, that I wasn’t totally into, but he was a nice kid and decided to give him a chance. He tried holding my hand, and I tried to kind of slip out of it. This happened twice more, and he grabbed my hand and held it in a vice-grip with a stupid grin on his face and says “Slippery aren’tcha?” As if that wasn’t bad enough, he then called me the next morning to tell me that I was so hot that just holding my hand gave him a massive hard-on. Uh, yeah. Forced hand-holding, and hand-holding boners? Dealbreakers.
The Bad Internet Date
Apr 4
I went on a first date with a guy I meant on the internet. He was amiable, had a good phone voice, and his picture wasn’t terrible.
I get to the movie theater, he informs me he doesn’t have enough cash to buy two tickets right as I go up to the ticket booth (after he bought his). His picture was incredibly misleading; I didn’t even make the connections between the two. He made a motion for my hand to be on his cock right after he made a grab for my tits. Afterwards, as we walked around the mall, he kept on patronizing on how “gosh darned pretty” I was, and how smart and awesome I was. I tried to salvage the last bit of the date while sitting in his car, but he insisted on staring in my eyes awkwardly as Bush’s Glycerine played. The last straw was when I looked down, and in addition to his “chain jewerly” he had on black vans with socks pulled up. Dealbreakers.
The Zombie Killer
Mar 29
I was dating this girl, well. Seeing her. She came over once, and suggested we kill zombies together. I was pretty stoked at this.
Happy with my potential haul, the night wears on.
Fast forward 3 days. I go to her place, supposed to leave at a certain time and whatnot, and we start making out, and that turns into her going down on me. I’m thinking. Wow. This is awesome. After… things finish up, she comes up and lays next to me, and I (who’d wanted to ask her out since she suggested zombie killing) ask her out. She gets the most amazed look on her face and squeals with delight.
Then and there, my pants still a heap on the floor, her hands still.. exploring.. tells me that she has HPV (Human Papiloma Virus) and that she doesn’t remember who she got it from, it could be herpes instead and, also that she’s gotten so good at giving head because of the small army of men she’s blown.
Dealbreaker + Doctors office.
The Big Surprise
Mar 19
My ex-boyfriend used to take a shit in the toilet, shave his beard on top of it, and not flush. He said that he was leaving a surprise for me. Dealbreaker.
The Gas Man
Mar 18
My ex-boyfriend brewed his own beer. Don’t get me wrong – for the most part it was great. Except that when he drank too much of it (which was frequently) it made him incredibly gassy. One night I woke up at about 4 AM gagging on a rotten egg stench so thick and foul I could actually taste it in the back of my mouth. So I got up and, recognizing that he wasn’t exactly stinking me out of the bedroom on purpose, went downstairs to sleep on the couch. He woke me up 3 hours later wondering why I wasn’t in bed, and when I explained, he got offended that I would leave the bedroom in the middle of the night. Hellishly foul farts? Not necessarily a deal breaker. Getting angry at your girlfriend because your farts force her out of her own bed? Dealbreaker.
The Boob Man
Mar 17
I was dating this guy for a few weeks and I asked him why things didn’t work out with his ex-girlfriend. He told me that he wasn’t attracted to her. They dated for two years, so I thought maybe their personalities were clashing. He tells me “She had small boobs”. Wait, it gets better. Then he tells me, “She also had a burn on her chest from a childhood accident and I wasn’t into the whole burn thing.” He said it like it was a bad haircut or something. Dealbreaker.