Dating Dealbreakers

What's Your Dealbreaker?

The Gentleman

Jul 2

Posted by ddb in Cheapskate, Guys | 103 Comments

In highschool, I dated a total cheapskate who never paid for anything. On one of our dates, he must have been feeling generous because he actually offered to pay for my Starbucks coffee. For the rest of the night, he complained about how much the coffee was, claming that Starbucks was a “ripoff”.

A few days later, in a phone conversation, he brought up the freaking coffee again, patting himself on the back for being such a “gentleman” and buying me a drink that was ridiculously overpriced. He said, he did it because he liked me so much. Ummm, thanks, but I’m worth more than a cup of coffee. DEALBREAKER.

The Show Off

May 31

Posted by ddb in Cheapskate, Guys, No! They Didn't!?, Pet Peeves, Worst Date Ever | 86 Comments

We have arranged to go hiking, I show up at his place so he can drive us. I get in his car and see he has gauges that indicate he’s tricked out the engine. I ask him about it, he talks a little about it, then guns his engine up to 70MPH in a 35 zone. We get out onto the highway and he drives normally until anyone else with a nice car, or someone who wants to go faster than the speed limit comes near, and then he’s all gunning and swerving and breaking. He has the music turned up so loud I can hardly hear myself think much less have a conversation. I still try to ask him questions, he answers briefly and then drops the conversation.

We arrive and we start to climb, and I realize I’m in over my head about half-way up. We stop to rest, and he runs up ahead and waits for me to catch up. This happens about 4 times before we reach the top. The conversation continues to be one-sided. On the way back down he starts spitting and shooting snot-rockets to the side of the trail. Then there’s evidently some dude who’s got his shirt off, so he declares he has to compete and takes his off too. At this point I’m so turned off I don’t even look at him. He asks me who looks better.
“Of you and me?”
“Me and the guy with his shirt off.”
“I honestly didn’t even see him.”
We get back to the bottom, he asks if we can go eat grasshoppers at a local sushi restaurant. Yeah, sure, but you need to let me get my car first. So we head back and the driving gets 10x more showy and I’m no longer able to suppress the urge to scream or crawl out of my skin. I’m nearly in tears at this point, and when I get out to get in my car, I’m shaking so bad I can barely operate the keys. I fiddle with the radio for long enough to calm down a bit, then lead him out. We get to the sushi restaurant, he declares that he has $6 to his name and will get 2 grasshoppers. I order one for myself. He decides I should eat the small one. So many dealbreakers.

The Leftover Guy

May 30

Posted by ddb in Guys, No! They Didn't!? | 142 Comments

Let’s make this short and sweet. I dated this guy for a while. He told me that at work sometimes, when he doesn’t have money to eat, he digs in the trash can, and eats peoples’ leftovers. DEALBREAKER.

The Butterfly Effect

May 28

Posted by ddb in Guys, No! They Didn't!? | No Comments

When I was in high school I started hanging out with a guy who had already graduated. It started out casually enough–we’d watch movies and make out but I was seeing other people too. One afternoon we were watching The Butterfly Effect (not exactly a sexy movie) and started making out. He was dry humping me for about 5 minutes…and ended up jizzing in his pants. The best part? I wouldn’t have even noticed (it was dark) except he pointed it out to me like he was proud of it. Dealbreaker.

The Horny Liar

May 4

Posted by ddb in Girls, Worst Date Ever | 93 Comments

So this woman named Monica sends me a message on Facebook saying that I’m cute and wants to be friends with me. I accept her friend request and she looked decent in her pictures. After talking and getting to know each other, we decide to meet up in person. Turns out when I meet her, she definitely was not as attractive as she looked in her pictures. It also turns out that, to put this in the nicest way possible, horny. All she want to do with me was makeout, even in front of little kids, she didn’t care. I like showing affection and I’m a cuddlebug, but there’s no way I’m giving her the PDA that she wanted, especially when not only is she disrespecting me and forcing herself on me, but I’m not physically attracted to her.

Also, she said she quit smoking but I can clearly taste the traces of cigarettes when she made out with me, gross. She was also extremely hyper to the point where I was embarrassed and she was very immature (I was only 22 at the time and she was 29, I thought women were supposed to be more mature than men?). Furthermore, she starts scaring me by saying that we should go away somewhere together where no one can reach us. To top it off, she makes rumors about people, including myself, telling people I know that she broke up with me when in fact we were never in a relationship and I was the one who stopped talking to her. Too many dealbreakers here. That was my worst dating experience ever and I definitely learned my lesson. Dealbreakers.

The Bad MySpace Blind Date

Apr 15

Posted by ddb in Blind Dates, Cheapskate, No! They Didn't!? | 111 Comments

Back in the day when MySpace first started, I thought it was a cool way to meet new people. One guy messaged me a lot and then we started talking on the phone. After a few calls we agreed to meet up for drinks. I picked a place where I knew the bartender to be safe. He showed up late and apologized, saying that his stomach had been bothering him all day long. TMI. When I asked him what he liked to watch on TV he gave me a summary of his favorite show of all time, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. These paired with the fact that he lived with his parents because he had a massive amount of credit card debt, didn’t have a car, and didn’t offer to buy me a drink were all dealbreakers.

The Slippery Suitor

Apr 11

Posted by ddb in Guys, No! They Didn't!? | 54 Comments

I went on a first date with this kid I knew, that I wasn’t totally into, but he was a nice kid and decided to give him a chance. He tried holding my hand, and I tried to kind of slip out of it. This happened twice more, and he grabbed my hand and held it in a vice-grip with a stupid grin on his face and says “Slippery aren’tcha?” As if that wasn’t bad enough, he then called me the next morning to tell me that I was so hot that just holding my hand gave him a massive hard-on. Uh, yeah. Forced hand-holding, and hand-holding boners? Dealbreakers.

The Bad Internet Date

Apr 4

Posted by ddb in Worst Date Ever | No Comments

I went on a first date with a guy I meant on the internet. He was amiable, had a good phone voice, and his picture wasn’t terrible.

I get to the movie theater, he informs me he doesn’t have enough cash to buy two tickets right as I go up to the ticket booth (after he bought his). His picture was incredibly misleading; I didn’t even make the connections between the two. He made a motion for my hand to be on his cock right after he made a grab for my tits. Afterwards, as we walked around the mall, he kept on patronizing on how “gosh darned pretty” I was, and how smart and awesome I was. I tried to salvage the last bit of the date while sitting in his car, but he insisted on staring in my eyes awkwardly as Bush’s Glycerine played. The last straw was when I looked down, and in addition to his “chain jewerly” he had on black vans with socks pulled up. Dealbreakers.

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The Zombie Killer

Mar 29

Posted by ddb in Girls, No! They Didn't!? | No Comments

I was dating this girl, well. Seeing her. She came over once, and suggested we kill zombies together. I was pretty stoked at this.

Happy with my potential haul, the night wears on.

Fast forward 3 days. I go to her place, supposed to leave at a certain time and whatnot, and we start making out, and that turns into her going down on me. I’m thinking. Wow. This is awesome. After… things finish up, she comes up and lays next to me, and I (who’d wanted to ask her out since she suggested zombie killing) ask her out. She gets the most amazed look on her face and squeals with delight.

Then and there, my pants still a heap on the floor, her hands still.. exploring.. tells me that she has HPV (Human Papiloma Virus) and that she doesn’t remember who she got it from, it could be herpes instead and, also that she’s gotten so good at giving head because of the small army of men she’s blown.

Dealbreaker + Doctors office.

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The Watcher on the Couch

Mar 26

Posted by ddb in Girls, Mother Issues | 111 Comments

My ex-girlfriend was great. Girl-next-door type, similar interests, could totally see a relationship lasting. Couple months into us dating, I drop her off at home where she lives with mom and dad. We think everyone is in bed, and we are making out in her hallway like we did at the end of every night when we notice her mom in the living room next to us watching us in the dark. Turns out she had done this before, and my girlfriend knew she would watch us. Dealbreaker.

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