Let’s make this short and sweet. I dated this guy for a while. He told me that at work sometimes, when he doesn’t have money to eat, he digs in the trash can, and eats peoples’ leftovers. DEALBREAKER.
Archive for category Guys
The Leftover Guy
May 30
The Butterfly Effect
May 28
When I was in high school I started hanging out with a guy who had already graduated. It started out casually enough–we’d watch movies and make out but I was seeing other people too. One afternoon we were watching The Butterfly Effect (not exactly a sexy movie) and started making out. He was dry humping me for about 5 minutes…and ended up jizzing in his pants. The best part? I wouldn’t have even noticed (it was dark) except he pointed it out to me like he was proud of it. Dealbreaker.
The Slippery Suitor
Apr 11
I went on a first date with this kid I knew, that I wasn’t totally into, but he was a nice kid and decided to give him a chance. He tried holding my hand, and I tried to kind of slip out of it. This happened twice more, and he grabbed my hand and held it in a vice-grip with a stupid grin on his face and says “Slippery aren’tcha?” As if that wasn’t bad enough, he then called me the next morning to tell me that I was so hot that just holding my hand gave him a massive hard-on. Uh, yeah. Forced hand-holding, and hand-holding boners? Dealbreakers.
The Big Surprise
Mar 19
My ex-boyfriend used to take a shit in the toilet, shave his beard on top of it, and not flush. He said that he was leaving a surprise for me. Dealbreaker.
The Gas Man
Mar 18
My ex-boyfriend brewed his own beer. Don’t get me wrong – for the most part it was great. Except that when he drank too much of it (which was frequently) it made him incredibly gassy. One night I woke up at about 4 AM gagging on a rotten egg stench so thick and foul I could actually taste it in the back of my mouth. So I got up and, recognizing that he wasn’t exactly stinking me out of the bedroom on purpose, went downstairs to sleep on the couch. He woke me up 3 hours later wondering why I wasn’t in bed, and when I explained, he got offended that I would leave the bedroom in the middle of the night. Hellishly foul farts? Not necessarily a deal breaker. Getting angry at your girlfriend because your farts force her out of her own bed? Dealbreaker.
The Vegas Surprise
Feb 8
Two months into dating this guy he took me to Vegas for a weekend getaway. We did the whole nine yards, hotel, dinners, tickets to Ka.
On the way to the show, he gives me a massive wedgie in the middle of the MGM Grand Casino floor. Onlookers cried out, “Awesome” and, “Congratulations!”
Dealbreaker?
The Mama’s Boy
Feb 3
I had been dating a guy several weeks, and at one point we were making out pretty heavily. His phone rings mid-way through and he first) checked to see who it was, in the MIDDLE of a make-out session, and second) picked it up because it was his mom and he wanted to let her know that he’d be home around 11. Unless you’re specifically waiting for an important phone call or have an emergency-call job like a doctor or something, don’t EVER check your phone when you’re on the way to getting some nookie. And if it’s your mom, do NOT pick up. He cock blocked himself big time. Both are BIG dealbreakers.
The Quick to Cum Guy
Jul 20
I was dating a guy for a few weeks and we were finally going to have sex. I’m on his bed and we start making out. Before we even got a chance to take off our clothes he came. It was only like five minutes and then he rolled over and wanted to go to bed. Quick dealbreaker!!
The Skull Guy
Jul 13
I once met a guy at a bar who seemed pretty nice and normal. After a few drinks he invited my friends and I back to his house. We were all hanging out and eventually my friends left and I spent the night. I don’t know if it was because it was dark in his bed room, or because I was a bit tipsy, but I somehow didn’t notice a bookshelf full of his skull collection until the next morning. I got out of there quick. Deal breaker.
The Nose Hair Guy
Jul 10
I was dating a guy for awhile that had a major nose hair problem. The hairs were sticking so far out of his nose that they were all I could see when I got close to kiss him. When it got to the point where I didn’t want to kiss him because of the hairs, I knew I had to say something. I casually told him that I had noticed the nose hairs and maybe he should trim them. He said, Oh yeah, I know. They are really long, huh. End of discussion. No trimming ever occurred. Neither did any more kissing. Dealbreaker.